Dear Judy,
I feel like a major tool writing this, but since I know you won’t use my name, here goes: My mother is dying of ovarian cancer, Stage IV. She is preparing her will, and has told me that when she dies, she’s leaving the bulk of her estate to my older brother who is 29, and has Down Syndrome. When the house is sold, which will become necessary, the bulk of the proceeds will go in a trust toward his care as well.
My brother is okay, by which I mean he lives in a group house, but he does need a lot of extra care and there are medical bills. So all right – I just graduated from college, but I had planned on going to grad school. My mother, who is a single mom, is pretty wealthy, and to be honest, I’d always counted on her helping me out with tuition. My Dad barely exists. He hasn’t had contact with us in over 10 years.
Do I say something to my Mom about all this? She’s pretty bad and I don’t want to add to her problems. But what about me and my future? My mother has also told me she expects me to be in constant contact with my brother after she’s gone, and also to help supervise his condition.
Is this right or fair? I can’t help feeling pissed off, and even jealous of my older brother, despite his condition. Life hasn’t been a picnic for me either in this family, and I don’t think anybody realizes it. As I say, either way, I feel like a tool.
Am I?
Len in Brooklyn
Dear Len,
I’m so sorry about your Mother. I know that part of what you’re feeling is grief since you are about to lose her. But as you say, the rest is much more complicated. In more ways than one you feel abandoned.
I’m not suggesting you burden your mother with your own feelings of resentment and grievance. In fact, as much as you can, I’d suggest keeping a tight rein on those emotions, at least in her presence. But you can mention, in as neutral a way as possible, your desire to go on to graduate school, and your hope that some assistance might be provided.
She may consent — or refuse your request. Either way, you have to remain calm. Vent your feelings with your friends or a therapist (in fact, as strongly as possible, I would suggest a therapist at this stage). But understand that there is little you can do right now with your mother, except care for her in her last days.
Above all, please understand that your mother’s decision to provide your brother with the bulk of her estate is not because he is the recipient of the bulk of her love. She does not love you less than your brother. She simply fears for him more.
And in your heart, I think you know why. And I also know that when the time comes you will continue make sure your brother is doing well, on a regular basis. And with your determination, you will also, come what may, find a way to go on to graduate school.
Thank you for writing
Judy
I pity the poor man who will have such an insesnsitive and selfish person as yourself to keep an eye on him.
Your mother is wealthy. She’s leaving the bulk to your brother. But so what? You’re at least getting something, right? You’re healthy, pretty young. Make do! Be grateful!
Len’s mother is a classic example of a guilt-filled parent with a problem child. By now the poor guy should be used to being punished for not having anything wrong with him. Children without disabilities also have legitimate needs, including money or attention. Too bad entire households revolve around problem children while neglecting the needs of regular ones.
A mother knows her own kid better than anyone. She knows why she’s asked Len to keep an eye on his brother, something he’d probably neglect to do ordinarily (or just do it by the numbers, if guilt sets in); that’s obviously why she’s not leaving him the money. Anyone who thinks a Down Syndrome adult ‘is okay’ should not be enturusted with that afflicted person’s financial welfare. I truly hope she was smart enough to permit Len to manage the money. It’s too bad she has to goi to her grave with two offspring like this, one who cannot care for himself and the other who can think of no one else
If Len wants to go to graduate school and needs his mother’s financial support, one way to raise this issue and make his mother feel better is to explain that by going to graduate school he will earn more. That way, he can tell her, he will take care of his Down Syndrome brother if he needs financial help in the future.
Ziggy
Ziggy, you didn’t read my comment and worse, ignored the subtext of Len’s letter to Judy. The mother doesn’t trust Len to do the right thing by his brother. Which is why she is creating a trust. Telling her that going to graduate school will enable him to better look after his brother by earning more is not likely to persuade her. She has made her judgement based not on his earning power but on his personality.
Here’s an idea: Len tells mother he understands the issues and he too has a lot of concerns regarding his brother’s health and his future. Wants to go to grad school and needs money. Asks to borrow from trust fund against iron-clad guarantees to repay. No loss to brother, gain to Len, mother relieved she can help both brothers. Simple, or what?