Dear Judy,
My ex-husband and I were together for 10 years and have a son. He is remarried. I have now heard he has brain cancer, with not much time left.
What I am having a hard time with is A) finding support groups that can help me. And B) advice on how to prepare my son for the loss of his father. I try to get support groups for myself but keep getting told that because I am not the caregiver, the support groups aren’t for us.
I am feeling so angry and “blown off!” I may not be involved with my ex-husband’s care and treatment, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t also have support through this difficult time. My son feels so isolated. He’s said a number of times, “There aren’t any other kids in school whose Dads have cancer!”
If I tell him other kids have similar issues, he doesn’t believe me. My son is holding tight to the idea that his father will get better, but I know he won’t. Can someone please help me out?
Carla
Dear Carla,
I do understand how frustrating it is for the ex-spouse of a dying patient to find emotional support. There are so many conflicting feelings and the real problem is confusion. It’s hard to know how to react to the impending death of someone you loved and lived with when now neither circumstance is true.
Or at least not usually true.
But I think, as you do, the main object now is not you but your son. Whatever his age, he needs therapy now. A support group won’t be enough. He has to come to terms with the likelihood his father will die and soon, and he needs to speak to someone who understands loss and grief.
A good therapist might also know of a support group for your son. But the main thing he needs is a professional who is both kind and can also offer practical advice on how to deal with impending loss.
Very likely your child’s school has a counselor who might know someone in the field. And if that doesn’t produce results, ask around among your friends. We all have experienced grief, and many of us have emerged from therapy stronger and more capable of dealing with it.
Thanks for writing
Judy
