Hi Judy,
I have a 13-year-old daughter with my ex. The ex walked out on me when I was pregnant, never looked back. He drifted in and out of our lives several times in the early years, but nothing stable. He would promise our son the world, and then drop off the face of the earth once again, leaving our daughter waiting for him. He never paid a dime of child support.
About a week ago, my ex contacted me out of the blue. He has lung cancer, it turns out. He wants to talk to our daughter.
What should I do?
I can’t refuse to tell our daughter that her biological father is dying, can I? I’ve have always been honest with her about him, but tried not to bad-mouth him. My daughter has formed her own opinions about him, however, and is very bitter.
I’m afraid if my daughter doesn’t visit her dying father and try to mend broken fences, she’ll regret it for the rest of her life. At the same time, she’s been through so much for such a young girl, and I don’t want to see her hurt by him again.
To make matters more complicated: I remarried two years ago — a wonderful man who loves us both. But I never really have gotten over my ex. When I love someone, it is forever. My ex was my first love, and when he abandoned us, I was completely crushed. I also happen to love my husband — very much — but I can’t help the feelings I’ve kept hidden for all these years for the man who trashed our lives.
So the long and short of it, Judy, is — I don’t want to see anyone else get hurt!
Any advice?
Joyce in Michigan
Dear Joyce,
From a careful reading of your email, I can see that you are — very naturally I think — confusing your reactions to your ex’s desire for reconciliation with your teenage daughter’s. I realize she is bitter. You both have plenty of reason to be, from the events you describe. But your first instincts — namely that it’s important for your child to say goodbye, even to a distant, irresponsible, and disappointing father — are, I believe, correct.
So: 1) No, you cannot hide his lung cancer from your child.
And 2) It would be a good idea for her to visit her biological father at least once. She may not want to, and you must prepare yourself for that. But in your shoes, I would counsel her to go: there are things to be said, guilt to be expiated, wounds to heal, and her father should certainly do most of the talking. If your daughter absolutely refuses to see her father, that will be her decision, and you can tell her that too. In this instance, she is the boss.
Now for the rest of your letter, the stuff you haven’t asked, but simply hinted at, which is clearly very much on your mind. In your place, I wouldn’t go see the ex-husband. You say you have a loving spouse, who cares for you and your daughter: how very fortunate for you both.
You say you never forgot your first love: well none of us does — ever. But that doesn’t mean we have to involve ourselves in their lives, even if those lives are coming to a close.
You say he abandoned you in pregnancy and worse, never supported his daughter: those are inexcusable because they were offenses that injured a child even more than you. His child, as it happens. It’s not your place to forgive him for an injury he inflicted on someone else.
So while I know this is a loss — perhaps the loss of an illusionary love — let it go. And tell your daughter she only has this one chance to allow her father to make amends. Then leave it, as we all leave most things in life and death, to the fates.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
I think you should all go together. Daughter, mother and new husband, if he is willing. The child will feel much more secure in the presence of the adults who love her, and you, Joyce, need closure. My bet is seeing these two men together and making the inevitable comparison will allow you to forget the bastard — permanently!!