Dear Judy,
My father, who is 81, has congestive heart failure and is quite weak. His doctors (there are three of them!) tell me he isn’t going to be with us long, and I am devastated. Even worse –most of his life he was an exceptionally healthy guy: smart, funny, energetic and very loving. We had a wonderful relationship.
The reason I say “had” is because lately he’s stopped talking to me. I can stand — just barely — the fact that he is weak and will likely soon die. But I really hate the fact that he won’t talk to me. I know he is capable of talking because when the housekeeper comes, he is capable of giving her a few instructions. But with me, he says almost nothing. Why?
“Heartsick in Phoenix”
Dear Heartsick,
I know it must feel right now as though your father is rejecting you, or is in some way angry. And in a way that is true. He is angry, but not with you. He is rejecting, but once again you are not the one being rejected.
Very often, the dying stop talking or talk infrequently. It is their way of disengaging from life. If he is talking to the housekeeper or his doctors, that is simply out of necessity. With you, a beloved daughter with whom he feels more comfortable, he feels he can be himself. Right now that self is preparing to leave. You must let him do so, in his own way. He knows you are there.
Having been in the hospice field for 10 years now, I can agree wholeheartedly with your answer. The real difficulty is in learning to “just be there”. Words are not needed right now, but touch is. To simply stand and do nothing is difficult but soooo important at these times. The dying always struggle with leaving us…We give them the gift of acceptance with our peaceful presence.