Dear Judy,
My best friend of 20 years is dying of cancer, and I am very upset. But unfortunately a quite selfish issue has clased with my friend’s untimely sickness.
My friend wants me by his side during his last months, and I have been there regularly. But due to the economy — and perhaps my own stupidity — I have lost my job, and perhaps risk losing my home.
My wife is very insistent that I spend less time with my dying friend and perhaps more time looking for jobs. I do understand her point, but how do I tell my dying friend, “Sorry you’re dying, but I need cash”?
Thanks for your help.
Jerry
Dear Jerry,
I am so very sorry, both about your friend’s terminal illness and about your job loss. They obviously weigh on you heavily, and your wife, as you point out, is especially devastated about the future.
The good news — in fact the only good news in this instance — is that the dying don’t necessarily follow the sleep and wakefulness patterns of the healthy. They seem to follow their own agenda. Many tend to be especially weary in the morning hours; or drift off to sleep in the afternoon.
In other words, it is often perfectly possible to care for and talk to the terminally ill in the evening. I’m sure that by now, after so much contact with your friend, you are aware of when — and for how long — he generally wants visitors. I suspect that he will be happy to see you whenever you can manage it.
You don’t have to go into long explanations. Tell him about your unemployment and mention that during the day you’ll be job-hunting. But add that in the late afternoon or at night, if he is up to it, you’d like to see him.
Close friends, well or sick, tend to make allowances for each other. That’s what friendship is all about. In this instance, you are both doing the best you can.
And who could ask for more?
Thank you for writing,
Judy
Where oh where can I find a man like Jerry who does everything he is told? First his dying friend asks for his company, they spend too muchtime together, so he loses his job. Next his wife says he should look for a job — so he wants to drop his dying friend.
It is all well and good to want to be there when a close friend is dying, but the responsibility is for the living. Yes be by the firend’s side at night, do job serach via the internet, but the first priority has to be to find a way to support the family.
martin
Uh….this guy should do some math. There are 24 hours a day. you sleep 8 max. In my book, that should allow you to spend a few hours each day looking for work and another few hours with a good friend who’s really sick. A no-brainer. Take control of your life and stop making excuses.
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