Dear Judy,
No one I’ve ever known has had this problem. I have a good friend who has an especially bad form of leukemia. She is only 32 and it’s awful to see the toll the disease is taking.
Yet she refuses to acknowledge anything. She acts like she’s going to improve! We all know this isn’t so. Even her doctor has told her to start planning (he called it “making arrangements”).
What should we, her friends, do? Play along with the fiction that she’ll improve? Or set her straight?
Eva
Dear Eva,
I always let the dying person have the last word(s). There’s little enough left for them, they should at least have that.
If sustaining a fiction is what allows your friend to go through her last months in something like equanimity, then for pity’s sake, let her.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Does the friend have outstanding responsibilities, such as debts? Has anyone been given her power of attorney? Has she written a living will? If the answer to any one of these - and others along those lines - is negative, her good friends should do everything to ensure that her affairs are in order. And Judy, unless you know her situation, you should not give advice!
Spot on, Judy. Unless the sick woman is a complete fool, she knows exactly what’s going on, and if she has chosen to cope this way - so be it. No one has to tell her what she knows already, which is that she is dying.
Something is missing. How does Eva know what the doctor told her friend? If she reported it, what makes Eva think she’s ignoring or denying impending death? Also, is there family? Seems to me like the woman is putting on a brave front for her friends — but dealing with the issues elsewhere.
Denial serves a purpose and allows the person to process the information. They may choose to continue on the river of denial, it is their choice. I think if you take away denial, then what will you replace that coping mechanism with? Anger perhaps, or maybe depression? Simply remind them you are are there for them no matter what and “love them up.”
I actually admire the woman for living in fiction. It must be so hard to live with the reality of death. The ability of some people to put themselves in a fictional situation really impresses me. Let her live her fantasy and hope one day if you’re put in the same place, you can too.