Dear Judy,
My friend is dying of esophogeal cancer. I visit, call on the phone, bring food to her spouse.
I feel guilty because I feel like I should go see her more often (she lives an hour away). I am going tomorrow.
I truly don’t know what to say any more. She can barely talk. She is 80 lbs.
What do I say to offer any kind of comfort?
Renee
Dear Renee,
I think we all have to stop feeling as though we’re in some way delinquent because we’re still alive while others are dying. I think that that is what is at the bottom of a lot of our fear when we visit the terminally ill: guilt that we’re not.
So first off, put aside your feelings of guilt. They do nobody any good, least of all your friend. You visit, I assume, as much as you can. You love your friend.
Second: that’s exactly what you tell her. That you love her, and you are concerned for her, and love seeing her. That you think about her all the time.
Third: take the temperature of the room. By which I mean, assess her current mood (which I am sure is variable under the circumstances). If she is feeling happy to see you, respond in kind.
If she’s anxious to hear what’s happened in the world, do the talking. If she enjoys books, tell her what you’ve read recently. You can also read to her or bring a movie.
And if you sense that she’s depressed, which happens often I’m sure, then make the visit short, and tell her you’re going to see what other things you can do for her (if she can tell you, so much the better, otherwise ask her husband).
I’m afraid that’s all you can do. But it’s enough.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
