Dear Judy,
My 50-year-old husband was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and has started treatment. Depending on how he responds, he can live from 5-15 years. The brakes have been put on us financially. Meaning my husband is trying to prevent me from buying a big house — and selling the condo I bought years ago.
I’m a bit frustrated. I want very badly to move out of the condo. I know my husband is concerned about our financial future — he’s worried I won’t be able to pay off the mortgage on whatever house we end up buying — and besides, he’s obviously not feeling well. But he has substantial life insurance, and I have a good job.
Any suggestions for me? I really want to move forward with our plans, and I want him not to worry. I have a great-aunt who will be leaving me a substantial inheritance, and she is very old. So if my husband stays relatively okay for a while, we should both be okay. I’m going completely crazy in our small condo, and desperately want a bigger place to live.
Any suggestions?
Mary in Virginia
Dear Mary,
I know you’re not going to like what I’m about to suggest since you really seem to want to move out of your condo — now. But I’m going to ask you, just for a minute, to take a step back from your own desire and think of your husband. Very likely the treatment he’ll receive for prostate cancer will leave him very tired and weak.
In other words there is no “relatively okay” condition for your husband.
What this means is that the strenuous ordeal of packing, deciding which possessions each — or both — of you wants to keep or throw out, and moving will probably be more than he can bear.
So cut him a break. For that matter, cut yourself a break. I think you want to move out quickly for many reasons. Perhaps part of you wants to flee a certain amount of heartbreak and panic, which I know you must be feeling. Maybe you think moving right away from a condo will be the same thing as moving away from trouble and grief. Maybe you think a big home will do the trick, and pull your husband out of fear and worry.
But it won’t.
My advice? Stay put for the next few years. Whatever your future inheritance from the old aunt — it’s not in your pocket now. And as you’ve seen from the series of recent economic disasters that have rocked this country, anything can happen to even large amounts of money.
And I think you’ll be helping your sick husband in many ways by giving him a stable existence in the condo he knows and loves.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Simple: rent out your condo and rent a house. That is neither irreversible nor a huge financial commitment.
Mary, my condolences. How can you live with such a pathetic man! There you are, trying to move to a house which is such a reasonable expectation, and he has the audacity to get sick! How selfish can anyone be! I mean, like where are his priorities? Sue him for all he has, and then you can live the life you deserve.
Never make current financial decisions based on future income. Especially in the current economic climate. What if all your great-aunt’s assets turn to dust?
Obviously, the husband’s illness is a major factor. On the other hand, Mary’s life shouldn’t be put on hold for 5-15 years. Stop kicking Mary when she’s down!
If Mary is so anxious to move, staying put will only fester in her mind, and will simply add to what are likely to be very trying times. How about finding an attached home which doesn’t require a great deal of upkeep, and getting off the “big house” idea? With housing markets in VIrginia the way they are, this could be the right time to make the switch–and have everybody’s needs satisfied. And that is “if” Mary can sell her condo!
Chris from Fairfax