Dear Judy,
Please tell me what to do. My longtime live-in has pancreatic cancer, and he’s basically not speaking to me any more.
Why? Because of his round-the-clock visitors! They come. They stay for hours. Sometimes they bring food to eat — and end up eating it themselves (he has no appetite any more). They talk all the time, sometimes tell him their problems! And he wants more…
I try to regulate these visitors, or at least I try to cut their visits short because they’re wearing him out. You can tell. He sometimes drops off to sleep in the middle of their visits, but that doesn’t stop them from going on and on.
When my live-in friend, whose been my whole life for 10 years, hears what I’ve done he gets really angry with me. In fact that’s the sum total of our relationship now: anger.
But what am I supposed to do? They’re wearing him out!
Please help. I need someone on my side.
Claire
Dear Claire,
I suspect what I’m about to tell you won’t give you a lot of comfort. But my general rule is: whoever is dying gets the last word. Literally and figuratively.
I think you must know by now that what your dying friend most needs at the moment is escapism and company: his friends provide that. They may annoy you with their constant presence, their irritating (to you) talk, and their narcissism. But they provide your friend with a way out of thinking about his illness.
So let it be. Pancreatic cancer means your friend doesn’t have much time left. Let him spend it the way he wishes. Giving in to that will, among many other things, mean far less irritability.
And that way you will have happier memories of these last months with him.
Thank you for writing
Judy
BEFORE friends come visit, Claire ought to diplomatically suggest they plan to stay for 15-30 minutes and no longer. She can explain this is on doctor’s orders. No one would feel hurt that way.