Dear Judy,
I am 17. My father just died a month ago: he had heart disease, diabetes and it all just got worse.
My problem is not only that my father died, but that my mother can’t stop bad-mouthing him even now that he’s dead. How can I tell her to stop? They weren’t living together when he died, and she was really angry about his girlfriend.
Do you think I should tell her to stop? I want to but I just don’t know what to do. It hurts either way.
Lucy
Dear Lucy,
I am really sorry your father died. I am also sorry there is so much residual anger that your mother clearly cannot control, even now that he’s no longer around.
I think you can tell your mother to stop discussing your father — or at least stop venting her anger, but you can also do it in a way that won’t make things worse.
Here’s how:
Tell your mother you want to sit down and talk with her, maybe when she’s relaxed. Explain that you know how she feels about your father, but that you had a different relationship with him, and you miss him.
Say that you can understand her anger, but that it hurts you when she vents it in front of you because you haven’t recovered from the pain of losing a parent, and maybe never will. Add that you love them both, and you wouldn’t want anyone to criticize either of them.
I think that should do it. At least for a while. You can repeat as often as is necessary. Her anger will subside and so, after a while, will your pain.
Thank you for writing
Judy
