Dear Judy,
Our mother died 2 weeks ago at 56. We loved her very much (there are 2 of us, both sisters in our late 20’s) and we are both writing you because we don’t know what to do.
She was very happily married to our father (we thought). He is 70. Her death made him cry for days and days.
At the funeral, this man came over to us, the sisters, and he was crying too. He took us aside after the funeral was over, at the wake, and he said he had been our mother’s boyfriend for 13 years (!). He knew a lot about us, and asked my sister how her acting career was going, and asked me if I finished engineering school.
We could hardly speak. Do you think he was for real? We didn’t talk to our father about this man. Should we? My sister thinks we should. She isn’t a fan of secrets in the family.
Lynn and Beth
Dear Lynn,
I on the other hand am a HUGE fan of secrets in the family. And your father, who is in mourning for your mother, needs to be protected. So mention nothing to him.
Do I think the weeping stranger was “for real,” as you ask? Maybe. Maybe not. Funerals, like weddings, draw kooks in spades. On the other hand, since he knew a lot about you both, maybe he did love your mother. Which doesn’t, I have to add, mean they were lovers.
So your best (and kindest) action right now: complete inactivity. Don’t contact the man. If he phones you may listen, but I wouldn’t encourage him.
And above all, don’t tell your father.
Thanks for writing
Judy
