Dear Judy,
My sister’s kid is a fine athlete: she’s a champion highschool basketball player and travels with her team all over Canada (my sister in tow). That’s how come my sister and her kid were away when my father was hospitalized.
He’d had a series of strokes. And, to put things in a nutshell, by the end of the week he was dead. Everyone in the family was furious with my sister, me included. There she was, watching her kid play basketball, and there we all were, watching my father die.
Now we’ve got a new problem. Most of the family — my mother, my brother and me — want to bury Dad as soon as possible, which means by next Monday. But that’s exactly when my sister and my niece have to another game somewhere else, and they want us to delay the funeral and the ceremony until their return.
I think they’re being incredibly selfish.
Do you agree?
Rita
Dear Rita,
I am a little aghast. And more than a little puzzled.
Why does your sister have to travel everywhere her highschool-age daughter goes with the basketball team? I mean I’m assuming here that there are adult coaches traveling with the team, and that these coaches have instilled a little discipline into the girls.
So although I am completely aware that there’s no better fuel for family feuds than an upcoming funeral (or, for that matter, a wedding), I have to weigh in on the side of a hastily arranged family concil. If possible, get your brother to moderate and do most of the talking.
Do not bring up your sister’s absence at your father’s deathbed. That cannot be remedied, and will only anger her.
Simply discuss the future. Your brother might suggest that a speedy funeral is most convenient for everyone; that all of you need to have for emotional reasons a public ceremony as soon as possible. And that your sister might, just this once, stay at home and grieve with the rest of you.
What her daughter the athlete decides to do is up to her. I’m not certain, in any case, that the presence of a resentful, thwarted teenager at a funeral would be best for everyone.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
Judy, you often provide very short answers when the issue is seriously complex — bad enough. Worse, in response to this no-brainer you wrote endless nonsense. A widow is expected to hold up her husband’s funeral to accommodate a highschool basketball game? Your email-er isn’t clear about why this is totally insane? I’m sorry. You lost it here…
I think the answer’s simple: Rita’s sister has no standing here. (You can tell I’m a lawyer, right?) She lost all authority when she refused to drop everything to be with her dying father. Sorry, but I’ve been there, so I know what I’m talking about.
On another subject: stop giving Judy a hard time. She’s right to be “snippy” as you phrase it, or curt when the occasion calls. Some of those who write in deserve “curt.”
I can’t help wondering: what happened between the sister and her late father to create such apathy??? Like she can’t bring herself to go to his death bed? Weird. Someone should explore this. Feelings like these seldom occur in a vaccum.
BTW, I agree with the previous commenter, Bethany: You do get snippy sometimes, Judy, at the expense of thoughtful analysis
I do try not to be snippy — but curt? Yes, curt happens.
I guess I get curt mainly when someone is trying to intrude unnecessarily on someone else’s life
That’s what happened when I provided a one-word answer to yesterday’s emailer, annoyed that her son’s fiancee was trying to get pregnant despite her bouts of breast cancer.
As for today’s writer — Rita — I don’t think it’s a great idea for her to bring up her sister’s selfish nature just now. Funerals are incendiary occasions (no pun intended…); no need to ignite them with acute observations on the defects of family members. However justified…
Me again. The woman who wanted to know how to handle her son’s intention to provide her with a soon-to-be motherless grandchild had a real dilemma, Judy. She sees him making a lifetime mistake and turns to http://www.thecheckoutline.org for advice.
What does she get? ‘Butt out!” Even if that’s the bottom line, she deserves to hear the pros and cons.
Today a very selfish sister wants an entire family to put an entire mourning process on hold for a high school game, and we read a thesis. Anyone else see something lopsided here?