Dear Judy,
Help! My father is dying — congestive heart failure and cancer. My sister, who is no doctor, but has had some medical training (she was thinking for a while of becoming a nurse) has taken over everything: his relationship with his doctors, his relationship with his family, his bills, his lawyers. You name it.
I visit a lot, but each time I arrive, there’s my sister basically hustling me (and whoever else visits) out of house after maybe 10 minutes. She’ll say, “Oh Dad’s real tired” when I know he’s not, or that our father had begged her to keep visits short, when I can see in his eyes how hurt he is that I’m leaving so soon.
I love my father! I want to be with him. But obviously I can’t burden him with all this discord now.
My sister got divorced last year (her husband’s idea: he has a girlfriend) and has no children. Maybe that’s why she’s so obnoxious now. But what can I do about it? Should I pull a scene? Create a stink?
Rona
Dear Rona,
Death — or impending death — brings out the worst in a lot of people, doesn’t it. And obviously, as you figured out, so does divorce.
So here’s a bit of advice: your father’s condition is going to end pretty soon. Meanwhile it’s up to you to do two things: keep the peace and visit your father.
If your sister tries to hustle you out for no good reason — if in other words you feel your father really wants you to stay longer than your sister deems right — then stay. That’s it. Don’t quarrel. Don’t snap. Just say something along the lines of, “You know I can tell Dad wants some more minutes with me alone.” And don’t leave until you think it’s really time.
As for the rest: the doctor’s visits, the bills and lawyers, etc: let your sister arrange these issues if it makes her comfortable and feel wanted and useful.
Above all, don’t enter any confrontations. Now is not the time. After your father’s death, I have a feeling there will be new elements of discord, as you put it, and you can be as confrontational as you please.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
I see this frequently, one family member becomes the “martyr.” It is usually related to wanting some control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. Judy’s response is right on and some alone time may be in order to make sure Dad really is comfortable with the situation. Simply ask him privately if everything is ok, is he comfortable and is everthing being done the way he wants it done.