Dear Judy,
A few years ago, my live-in lover died of colon cancer, but not before suffering for months on end. He hadn’t had a checkup in years, and because I hadn’t wanted to be a harpy and hassle him, I’ve always considered myself in some ways responsible for his death. He was only 44.
All my friends knew how grief-stricken and guilty I felt while he was dying and afterwards, and a number were really wonderful and supportive. But not all. To my surprise, some of them actually disappeared, by which I mean they stopped phoning, they never asked me to lunch. Nothing.
So two years have passed since Charlie died, and now one of these AWOL friends is in almost exactly the same situation. Her brother has colon cancer, and she has always been really close to him. She phoned me yesterday asking for information about the disease, and suggested we have a long dinner and “get back in touch.”
Judy, it’s been really hard these past years. But what made it worse was this so-called friend’s defection. Her complete divorce from my life when I was hurting terribly — and she knew it! So what do I do? Do I help her out? Or do I maintain my distance? Do I turn the other cheek? Or do I explain that loyalty and support are two-way streets?
I’ll do whatever you suggest.
Francine in Chicago
Dear Francine,
I think, given the trauma of recent years, you are entitled to do whatever you want in this situatiion. But I would keep this in mind: your friend’s brother, who is ailing, was not complicit in his sister’s defection from your life when you needed support most. If you can help him with advice or names of doctors, you might feel better.
Or — you might not. As I say, this one’s your call. All I know is that in your place, I would certainly help out the brother — with the names of support groups or medications that might prove useful — but I would very likely never again be close to the sister.
I hope this helps.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
Of course! Give all the information you have on hand. But that’s it. Don’t do a thing extra. Don’t feel the need to go the extra distance and do research for her, and don’t feel obliged to support this person who left you out in the cold when you badly needed friends. It sounds as if your life has moved on, so keep it that way…
Greg
Hey — unless you’re some kind of medical expert and have information which is uniquely yours, you are under no obligation to help this person. Let them do some homework and find whatever is available.