Dear Judy,
I’ll bet you haven’t received an email like this before. My sister, who is now 40, recently lost her husband who was more than a decade older. I guess the age gap had its effect, because around her he was always like a frisky puppy –or maybe I should say more like one of those Alaskan sled dogs, always tirelelssly working on her behalf, never taking a break.
(He died of a heart attack, his third. Big surprise, right?)
Anyway, while Mike was around, he was the one who always fixed the toaster — and made the toast. And the dinners. And called the plumber and the roofer. They had no kids, so it was amazing she couldn’t get around to accomplishing basic tasks. He was forever panting after her with her slippers, if you see what I mean.
Now that he’s gone she’s figured out we can take his place in the unpaid worker department. Whenever my sister is at my house (or at our brother’s — and he has a whole family she can direct), it’s always, “Can you help wash my car?” Or, “Be an angel, and get me another cup of tea.” That kind of thing.
She is not handicapped. It’s been four months since Mike died. We don’t want to be cruel or rude. But we’ve had it. Can you suggest some way out of slavery?
Leslie in Des Moines
Dear Leslie,
I take your point. But have you — or your brother — ever heard of the word ‘No’? It has the advantage of being simple, direct and easily understood.
I realize you don’t want to be considered rude or insensitive in the wake of a brother-in-law’s untimely death. But as you yourself point out: it’s been four months. All you are feeling these days is resentment, and that ’s no way to maintain a relationship with a sibling.
So the next time your sister asks you to help fix her flat, point to the number of AAA, or the nearest gas station. If she feels she is unable to fix the toaster, suggest she buy a replacement. In other words, slavery has been outlawed. Now all you need to do is remember that.
You don’t need to be rude. Just state the obvious: no one can repair the sink faucet better than the plumber whose number you happen to have on hand. No one can make a better cup of tea than your sister, so she should get you a cup as well while she’s up.
I promise you, your sister will absorb the lesson pretty quickly.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
Judy, while you are right on principle, I personally would wait a bit before saying no. In the Jewish religion, for example, the maximum mourning period is one year, and for good reason. The first of any specific date really hurts the survivor: birthday, Thanksgiving, summer vacation, whatever. She needs help through this difficult time.
Sorry, Leslie, nothing you write makes a lot of sense. No one gets a heart attack from fixing the toaster or calling the plumber. I bet anything this is a completely distorted picture. Sounds to me like you resented your sister’s special relationship with her husband. Maybe that’s what accounts for your sour mood these days and your resentment of her now. We’re talking about a widow who is obviously helpless without her late husband, and turns to her family in her time of need!! Have some sympathy.
Help your sister find a support group. It’s the best thing you can do for her, far more important than washing her car.
Be firm and clear NOW. When my sister’s husband died, I helped her out. It’s been almost 5 years now, and the demands never stop. My wife and I just try to contain our irritation, but I wish I’d had the benefit of Judy’s advice back then!
I have a sneaking suspicion Leslie’s sister wants a lot of attention. So she comes up with little things for them to do so they can feel they’re helping her….
Next time you go to church, look for those verses in the bible where Jesus instructed us all to be kind to widows… You seem to have missed out on those passages.