Dear Judy,
My father, who died 18 months ago of a heart attack, was a partner in a prominent law firm, along with his older brother. I recently graduated from law school, and the idea was I’d start working in the same firm soon thereafter, while waiting for the results of my law boards. Which I did three months ago, using my married name.
I think there may be a few new assistants who just don’t realize I’m my uncle’s niece, because lately I’ve been overhearing some pretty devastating office gossip. The gist of it is, my uncle was (is?) fooling around with a number of women, one of whom was supposedly my mother.
Judy, I have a feeling this is true. At least the part about my mother. I know my parents weren’t getting along for years. I know my mother was always pretty flirtatious in my uncle’s presence. Once my father even said something to that effect, which surprised me, because usually he was a quiet, remote and gentle person. He’d been suffering for years — he’d had one previous heart attack. Maybe my mother’s infidelity finished him off?
What do you think? And what should I do about the whole horrible situation?
Connie
Dear Connie,
Here’s what you should not do: confront either your mother or your uncle. What you overheard was, as you say, gossip. There is likely no way you’ll ever find out what’s true — least of all by asking those you suspect.
Here’s what you should do: find another job and leave the firm. I know this isn’t the best economy in which to go job-hunting. But I also know you’ll have no peace until you find another perch.
Thank you for writing
Judy
I was once in the same exact postion. But I moved away because I couldn’t look at them together. While I didn’t actually ever say anything to her that was direct or obvious, I hinted a lot. After I relocated she came to visit me and I gave her hell about her infidelity. She kept quiet but I am sure she got it. After my uncle died, she made a huge effort to get me to come back to our hometown. (I didn’t, of course). Now she is an old lady living alone, away from her only son and granchildren. I am sad for her but she made her bed, as it were….
Sooner or later, your mother will hear the rumor. Tell her. If there is nothing in it, she will act to dispel it, to you and to others. If it is true, she might be shocked enough by the fear of publicity that she will end the affair. Instead of agonising, or finding another job, or knowing that she is the object of stories which may be lies, do the decent thing and roll the ball into her court. How she takes it from there is in her hands.
WHY CALL THE UNCLE A MONSTER? ENOUGH OF BLAMING MEN FOR EVERY AFFAIR, AS THOUGH WOMEN ARE ALWAYS INNOCENT!
You are a married and a lawyer, so you should not be surprised that people cheat. Maybe your mother had a very unhappy marriage. You should not begrudge her freedom to do as she chooses.
I agree with you — she shouldn’t confront either party. I don’t agree about moving from one law firm to another; not only are these difficult times, but the prospects of partnership elsewhere aren’t anywhere near the prospects in a family firm. What she needs to do is to make clear to others she works with that she is the niece — and that she’d rather not hear the prevailing gossip.
Arnold