Dear Judy,
My wife converted to Judaism long ago and is observant. I happen to be born Jewish and am not at all religious. Basically, I feel when you die, that’s it. (My wife feels the same about that part). I want to be cremated.
The trouble is — my wife feels that since cremation is traditionally frowned upon among many Jews, she wants to be buried in a pine coffin, and she’s already reserved 2 plots at a local cemetery. For her — and moi.
I don’t want to insult my wife by saying No way. Especially since she keeps on telling me she wants “company” post-mortem. But I also don’t want a pine box or in fact any box. I don’t want a plot — or anything. In other words I don’t want to take up space, have my heirs fork out cash for my upkeep, or wreck the environment after I’m dead.
Any suggestions?
Lou
Dear Lou,
This really requires a lot of diplomacy on your part to resolve. I’m pretty sure, given the tenor of your email, that you’re up to the task.
I’m not going to get into the business of whether or not your wife really feels that death is the end of everything (the fact that she tells you she “wants company” post-mortem indicates, perhaps, some hope of an afterlife). But I am going to suggest the burial issue is very important to her.
The question is: how important is the issue to you? Important enough to quarrel over during your life? To wreck what seems to be otherwise a harmonious marriage?
Here’s a suggestion which I usually give no one: postpone the burial discussion. Include whatever burial desires you have in your will, and talk them over in private with your lawyer. If your wife dies first, you’ll have nothing to worry about. You can be buried as you wish.
If you die first, you’ll also have nothing to to worry about.
Your wife can dispose of your body as she sees fit, and you’re betting, given your beliefs, you won’t ever know about the disposal of your corpse. (My guess: she’ll probably respect your wishes).
And by the way: the ecology issue? A plain pine box isn’t really an offense against Mother Nature. She likes pine.
Thanks for writing
Judy
