Dear Judy,
I see from your previous advice on thecheckoutline.org that you’re a big fan of living wills. But what do you do if a parent doesn’t have one and is dying?
Our mother has ovarian cancer, and it’s metastasized into bone cancer. So she’s in some pain (even with pain medication). From time to time I am able to elicit information from her, and from what I gather she has no living will or Advance Medical Directive which would tell us — her 3 adult children — what to do. Like does she want to be rescussitated etc if her heart stops.
I know she’s in pain, but is there any way I can get her to sign something? It might relieve us of making choices for her, which none of us really wants to do without her okay. Any thoughts, Judy?
Ellen
Dear Ellen,
I am really sorry about your mother’s cancer, and sorrier still that she’s still in pain. I hope she’s opted for hospice supervision of her case, because often the hospice nurses are expert at contorlling pain with appropriate medication (and if she does have hospice supervision, you should definitely tell those nurses that the medication isn’t as yet sufficient to control her pain).
Now about your question. As long as your mother is mentally competent, I see no reason why she shouldn’t sign an Advance Medical Directive — today if possible — that would signal to you, her adult children, what end-of-life procedures she does/or doesn’t want.
That same directive could also appoint one of you, or a trusted friend, to be her representative in the event she cannot make a medical decision — an important step that would relieve all of you of any possible guilt.
So as long as she is cogent, by all means ask her to sign some sort of Living Will. And get it notarized if that’s what’s necessary in your state.
Thank you for writing
Judy
If Ellen’s Mother is in a hospice, or she has someone who is caring fo her whom she relies on, it would be a good idea to consult with the caretaker or hospice social worker Whatever her state of mind, it will be something that needs to be raised diplomatically and in a non-threatening manner. If an outsider opens the issue, the emotional pain will be greater.
Judy, I hate to see people struggle with this issue, but I see it all the time….Folks, talk to your families, or at the very least make things easy for them. I have a “My Life” box in my closet. Both my boys know it is there (not in a lawyers office that may or may not be open for business). There is a note in my wallet that directs anyone to the box. “My Life” box is fireproof, and has everything you would want to know about what I want….including where to donate my shoe collection. ( I have a charity chosen for shoes and clothes). I see this as a gift for my boys. Hopefully they will not need it for a very long time.
Jeanne’s idea — a MY LIFE box that’s fireproof — is brilliant. As important, as Jeanne points out, is informing adult relatives and/or friends where that box is located.
And yes, don’t count on leaving your end-of-life instructions at an attorney’s office (or at least don’t leave those instructions EXCLUSIVELY at attorney’s office). Leave a copy in your wallet or on the fridge or with your adult kids. Lawyers, like other people, die/go out of business/ or close up on Sundays and holidays.