Dear Judy,
I’m new to thecheckoutline, so I was really upset to see your advice on Friday to a woman whose mother was dying of ovarian cancer who had no Living Will. I think those things are just a prescription for an early death.
I personally won’t sign one (our estate lawyer tried to get me to do so) and I won’t allow my husband to either. But my sister and brother both have one, which they call A Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care – meaning I am supposed to make end-of-life decisions for them. I don’t want to do it. Both of them wrote that if they’re in “a persistent vegetative state” I’m supposed to act like they’re week-old asparagus and throw them out!
Well I simply can’t do that — to anyone. But especially not my own flesh and blood.
So should I tell them I can’t comply with their wishes? Or do the right thing, and say nothing? I feel wrong, either way.
Cathie
Dear Cathie,
The reason you feel, as you put it, “wrong either way” is because the Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care is not the role for you, under any circumstances. You have no intention of carrying out your siblings’ final wishes, and they will be, if things go wrong, in no position to fire you.
So to my way of thinking, you have to do the right thing now, while everyone is still healthy and competent to make alternative plans. Tell your siblings to appoint someone else. You can give your reasons, but don’t make it an occasion for a family quarrel. Just state them, and suggest they look elsewhere for a replacement.
You’ll feel better. And so will they.
Thank you for writing
Judy
What a great marriage! The wife decides what the husband is and is not allowed to do! And then he does just what she ordered!
Sister and husband seem pretty dumb to me. Who appoints someone to perform any important function without finnding out how they feel about it? Would they appoint a vegetarian to manage a steakhouse?
Good for Cathie, for being honest and openly facing the fact that us humans should not be making decisions about when life ends. Takes a lot of courage to uphold and express unpopular opinions. Cathie, I am with you totally, as are many others. This current too will pass, Divine Truth will prevail.
Cathie seems to be uneducated about what the implications are and uncivil with her family. She needs counseling, and not just about whether or not to have a Living Will. And from the sound of things, I can completely understand why her husband wants one.
Ok, Judy….I am spinning and spitting as they say here in the South
Advance directives are a gift to the living. They are your voice when you don’t have one. They relieve your family of guilt. They give the physicians guidance of what your wishes are. It does not mean your life will be shortened. Generally, a living will will speak to direct your care. If you want everything done, then say so….or if you choose not to be artificially maintained on a ventilator or feeding tube, then say that! But PLEASE don’t just ignore it and say nothing at all. I see that suffering everyday. Thanks for the opportunity to post and share