Dear Judy,
I lost my longtime live-in friend a year ago, almost exactly. He had pancreatic cancer and that was that.
In the beginning, friends would call all the time, asking me over to their place or dropping in for a visit. I felt loved, even though I had lost the person I loved most in the world.
Then it sort of stopped. I mean people still call, and sometimes we go to a movie or a concert together, but it isn’t the same. They don’t really ask how I am. They don’t listen when I talk about my dead friend. They just sort of hang out and that’s it.
Am I expecting too much? One friend actually said I should just “get on with it and get a life.”
Andie
Dear Andie,
Yes, there seems to be a pretty rigid time frame for mourning in the minds of a lot of people who haven’t (yet) had to go through with that awful process — and a year is about it. You’ve clearly gone into overtime.
I’m not saying that you are wrong and everyone else is right. I’m just saying people, even good friends, are impatient. They get embarrassed by long-term grief, probably because after exhausting their resources (coming over, inviting you out) they don’t know what else to do for you.
So here’s what I’d suggest. Get yourself a kind therapist who will listen patiently to the grief you still have stored within you. Don’t bother friends who seem to be incapable at this date of dealing with your pain.
And by the way: the friend who told you to “get a life”? That one’s no friend at all.
Thank you for writing
Judy
