Dear Judy,
I can understand having friends detach or become scarce when you’re dealing with a dying loved one. However, in the months after the (prolonged and heartbreaking) death of one of my parents, I had somebody who I thought was a closefriend take offense at something I said and tell me off as an awful person in a really nasty passive-aggressive manner.
Obviously this is somebody who is not a real friend (and in retrospect, I’ve seen them to do this before once they got tired of other friendships). But how common is this behavior? I have another friend who went through a really nasty break-up after the death of a parent.
I’ve been touched by the friends who’ve been kind and supportive while I was dealing with this, but sometimes you get kicked when you are literally down!
Kate
Dear Kate,
This is a touch question to answer because yu didn’t tell me what it was you said that evidently was taken the wrong way — and I also don’t know what your friend’s response was, although I gather it was nasty (personally I’ll take out-and-out aggression any day over passive-aggression).
Here’s the deal though. Nobody know how much pain you’re in except you. Even close friends.
Of course they SHOULD know, since they’re your friends, right? They saw the agony you were in while a parent was dying, and you told them about it.
But that’s the problem. It doesn’t stick because they don’t suffer. So I’m afraid that’s the bottom line. It isn’t so much kicking you when you’re down, as you put it, as forgetting about it from time to time. For you the pain of the death is enduring and palpable.
For them it’s past tense. And yes, to answer your question, that kind of oblivion happens a lot.
In your place I’d tell that friend how much the response wounded you. At the very least it would get it off your chest.
Thank you for writing
Judy
