Dear Judy,
My twin brother died a month ago. He had prostate cancer, and naturally I’m scared now about myself, even though we were not identicals. I am also devasted.
My wife of 4 years (2nd marriage for both) seems somewhat sympathetic, but not overly so. My buddies are like, okay so get on with your life.
No one seems to really understand. I lost my twin, my best friend. And I am scared for myself. How do I get some sympathy? When my wife lost her mother, I did everything: took over the funeral planning, helped her around the house, made sure the kids didn’t bother her when she was mourning.
Is it me? Am I being unrealistic to expect something in return?
Phil
Dear Phil,
You have 2 issues, as I see it. Your feelings of grief for your dead twin. And your own fears about your own longevity. The second is easier to deal with.
How about a visit to a proctologist in the near future? That will likely be a fast way to find out if your worries are absurd or if you have some basis for your fears. It’s also smart.
Now about the lack of sympathy that you perceive among your friends: men very often aren’t good at expressing sympathy, as I’m sure you’ve observed. I can’t exactly tell you why, but you obviously have encountered other instances when male friends seem awkward or embarrassed by grief.
And here’s a thought as well: you claim your wife isn’t nearly as helpful to you now that you are grieving as you were to her when her mother died. Well how about asking for her help and sympathy.
Don’t accuse. Don’t make belligerent comments comparing your own reactions to hers. Just ask for help. I know that’s hard. But do it.
Thanks for writing
Judy
