Dear Judy,
My brother’s wife died of ovarian cancer 5 days ago. Their son is 3 1/2 years old. My brother’s mother-in-law has advised my brother not to tell the kid about the loss.
What do you think? What should I tell my brother about this? When is the right age to tell a child his mother is gone forever? Please advise! I’d like to help.
Penny
Dear Penny,
I am so very sorry about your sister-in law, and sorrier still for the child and his father. I firmly believe the mother-in-law is wrong. The child, young as he is, must be told the truth about his mother. Immediately — yes, even though it’s heart-breaking.
What are the alternatives? To lie to boy? Tell him that his mother is on a long vacation?
Do that, and eventually the boy will start worrying if his mother will ever be back. When she doesn’t return, he will grow increasingly fearful, panicked, and feel abandoned. He may also be angry at her defection.
And one day — and you do not want to be around when this happens — he will realize a lot of adults whom he once trusted have lied to him. And he will never trust any of you again. With good reason.
Children should be told the truth simply and directly. If the child asks, as is common, when his mother will be back, you must answer that she wanted more than anything to be alive in order to stay with him. But because she is dead, she cannot come back.
You must also stress that the father is healthy and loving and wants to spend more time with him. And if you can manage it, do the same yourself.
Thanks for writing
Judy
