Dear Judy,
I read your advice about a month ago to the woman who was going through a bad divorce when her husband died — and she didn’t feel like acting like a grieving widow because it was so hypocritical. I have a more difficult problem.
Four years ago, I too went through a nasty divorce from a nasty guy. Then I met the love of my life: a kind, thoughtful and intelligent man. We never married — in fact we lived in different cities, so we had to drive a considerable distance to our reunions. But we managed to see each other once a week, we vacationed together, and we were faithful and loving.
He died two months ago of pancreatic cancer. The end was very swift. But my problem is this: I don’t know how to define myself now that he’s dead. In the eyes of his close friends, maybe I’m basically his widow, because we were so close. Should I call myself a widow? That’s what I feel like, even though we never married.
But I’m really a divorcee — from a guy I can’t think of without flinching.
Marie in Sacremento
Dear Marie,
I am very sorry your dear friend has died. But right now I think that’s your only true problem: the feeling of loss.
How you refer to this man is up to you. But if I were in your shoes, I’d simply tell the truth: he was the love of your life. And he died. You don’t have to give any more details to anyone. You certainly don’t have to call yourself a divorcee — in fact I think that’s a pretty old-fashioned term.
So if someone asks, just stick to the hard facts. They speak volumes. And they are quite enough.
Thank you for writing
Judy
He was your partner
as you say, you dont have to define yourself to his close friends, or to those who know you and your situation. as for strangers, you can say you are single, or unattached. when the time comes and you know them better, the truth will come out.
These days, no one expects precise one-word definitions of family. Surrogate mothers, gay marriages, adopted stepchildren - your situation is no more unusual or complicated.