Dear Judy,
Eight years ago my wife died, leaving me with a son, who is now 14. At the time, I weighed the pros and cons (I even went to a shrink for advice on the subject), and in the end I decided my son should be spared his mother’s funeral. Bad enough he lost her, why should he have to gaze at her embalmed corpse, was my way of thinking. The whole ordeal was too spooky for a kid.
Now I really wonder whether I made the right decision. Apparently, every chance he gets my son goes to funerals, and I mean sometimes of people he doesn’t even know. He flips through the obits, hops on a bus, and off he goes.
I’ve tried talking to him about this weird obsession, but no dice. He says it’s none of my business. I say it’s truly bizarre behavior. Should he see a shrink?
Jonathan in New York
Dear Jonathan,
Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Yes, it would have been better to let your son attend his mother’s funeral, but there isn’t much you can do to remedy that.
Rather than tell your son how peculiar you find his behavior, you might try discussing it with him. Why does he go to the funerals of strangers? What does he hope to get out of the experience?
Of course since he’s 14, he might not be all that voluble and eloquent on the subject of funerals (or indeed on any subject…), but at least you can try to open a discussion. And then — just let him go. He’ll likely tire of it eventually.
One more thing: Yes, it’s weird for a child to gaze on the embalmed corpse of a parent. But no, you don’t have to have anyone embalmed. What I’m trying to say is: why compound the tragedy of death with the travesty of embalming?
Thank you for writing,
Judy
