Dear Judy,
A longtime friend is has Stage III lung cancer — and evidently lots of guilt about what she did to my romantic life some years ago. It wasn’t the worst thing anyone’s done to me. She started dating the love of my life, but only after he’d already dumped me.
In fact about 2 months after he dumped me….
Well, Judy, I stopped talking to her for about a year after that, needless to say. And then, what with one thing and another, meaning my friend got dumped eventually by the same guy, we took up again, had a reconciliation dinner, went shopping together, enjoyed gossipy ladies’ lunches — all the usual things girlfriends do.
I never forgot about what she did, though. And I realize now neither did she, because with death banging at her door, so to speak, she wants to talk to me about old times, how terrible she feels, how cruel she was, etc, etc. This subject comes up time and again, every time I visit. And frankly it’s very painful, and I don’t want to discuss it.
How can I make this clear to my old friend, without distressing her further? I mean she’s dying. I don’t want to send her over the edge by cutting her off or being rude. At the same time, Judy, I’ve had it. I am not interested in her guilt or how much she’d like to expiate it at this late date. She should have thought of that some years ago.
Ruth in Brooklyn
Dear Ruth,
Yes, she should have. But she didn’t. The proximity of death brings up all sorts of memories, not all of them sanguine, as you have discovered. And it also brings up questions about the possibility of an afterlife, which I’m assuming is quietly preoccupying your guilt-ridden friend
So — you’re right — there’s no need to be rude by cutting off your friend as she strolls down an ugly side street off memory lane. But you can quietly touch her hand when she next attempts that route, and suggest that the two of you discuss happier times. You can even say you don’t want her distressed by sad recollections.
That makes you sound thoughtful and forgiving. And it might soothe her as well.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
Your advice is so right. I had nearly the same problem with a friend who was dying and wanted to revisit an ugly event in our past, when she left a party with my long time boyfriend. She got back to me six months ago with an Email, saying she wanted to talk about it; I wrote her back that “bygones will be bygones”, and that I would like to see her again. We did, and with that past behind us, had no problem renewing our friendship, which lasted until she passed away.
Sigrun
Seems to me like it is not only your friend who needs closure, but you do too. Talk to her, for her sake but also for yours.