Dear Judy,
My 82-year-old mother has COPD, stage 3 kidney disease, and a 50 percent blockage of her coronary arteries. She is in her right mind.
5 years ago she signed a medical power of attorney, naming me as her health agent. Around the same time, she signed a living will, asking that all artificial nourishment be withdrawn after 7 days if she is critically ill and 2 doctors say she won’t improve.
This doesn’t really help me. What if she passes out, isn’t breathing and has no pulse when medics come? Do I suggest CPR or not? How much, should she fall critically ill, comfort care will she want? Should a feeding tube be inserted in the first place?
My mother has told me “enough is enough” and she doesn’t want to think about any of it any more. She said she doesn’t want to put me through what my father went through: ie a lengthy and painful illness. If I press her she starts crying.
Should I give up and do the best I can when the time comes?
Celia
Dear Celia
Your mother is sending you a coded message that can, with a little patience, be deciphered.
In the first place she has made things a bit easier by naming you as her attorney for medical issues.
In the second, she has given you a clue by insisting that no artificial nutrition be given her after 7 days in the event she falls seriously ill with no hope of improvement.
The rest she wants to leave up to you because she trusts you with all her heart. She knows this is a burden. She knows you don’t know all the answers. But she cannot, most likely because she is all and quite unhealthy, give you the answers you want.
So when the time comes just do your best. And don’t look back. That’s what she’s telling you in her own way.
Thank you for writing
Judy
