Dear Judy,
My son and his wife started their divorce process last year. He was very sad and called us every day to talk. His wife’s father and I made noises about continuing — despite the impending divorce — to get in touch socially. But I found myself ignoring his further attempts to contact me.
The divorce hurt too much, and my first loyalty is toward my son. But I did think that after the divorce came through, that I might contact him as well as his wife once again.
Now we’ve heard he has terminal cancer, and all they can do for him is make him as comfortable as possible. My wife thinks it’s not appropriate for me to contact him and wish him well – and to explain my silence. I’m just not sure what would be best.
What do you think?
Ben in L.A.
Dear Ben,
I think you know in your heart what’s best, and that’s why you wrote. Of course you should try to contact someone for whom you obviously have considerable affection, especially when that person is in bad trouble, as your son’s former father-in-law clearly is.
I think what’s holding you back at the moment, if I’m guessing right, is a combination of embarrassment and a guilty conscience. You feel perhaps that having avoided social encounters during and after the divorce, it would be hard to resume a relationship now with someone so ill.
And maybe it will be difficult. That’s why I’m not suggesting you pop up, unannounced. at his bedside. But I do think it would be kind and thoughtful to write this man a note telling him how sorry you are to hear that he is sick — and that you would like, if he is up to it, to pay him a visit.
Please don’t explain your silence in this note. I am sure he knows the reasons behind it, and doesn’t need to re-visit the issue.
Please also understand that if he doesn’t respond to your note, it doesn’t necessarily mean he is angry with you or holding a grudge. Terminally ill people have their own needs, and only a limited amount of strength. That strength has to be horded for critical tasks before dying.
But write the note anyway. And tell your son and your wife what you are doing. Explain, if you need to, that this is not a question of loyalty (everyone knows where your loyalty lies); it’s simply about reaching out.
They might decide to do the same.
And thank you for writing.
Judy
Drop the dying man a note by all means, and ask if you can do anything at all. But if you hint that you want to pay him a visit when you have ignored his previous attempts to be social while he was still healthy — that’s a rotten idea, and it may also put him under a lot of pressure.
Ben, your answer is implied in your letter. You obviously considered contacting the wife too. That means you had had a good relationship with her. speak to her, and take it from there.