Dear Judy,
My brother is a terminally ill cancer victim. To date no one has actually told him his condition is terminal, so he believes that after therapy he will be going home, and perhaps eventually back to work.
Is it unfair to my brother that no one has given him the bad news? Is it doing more harm than good? How should this situation be approached by those who are aware of the truth? Should we tell him immediately?
Michael
Dear Michael,
It is absolutely vital that your brother be told about his condition, and right away. He has a number of decisions to make, and he can’t do that unless he knows his prognosis.
If he hasn’t yet done so, he needs to write an Advance Medical Directive, detail which end-of-life treatments he wants — or doesn’t want. He needs no lawyer to complete this document; most doctors have stacks of them in their offices.
Your brother will also have to appoint someone (perhaps you) to make medical decisions for him in the event he is incapacitated.
He also has to make sure his Will in in order; if it was completed many years ago, he probably should review it with his lawyer.
And finally, he must have time to say goodbye. This is a gift, actually, although I realize not the one we’re all pining to receive. He certainly will want to spend his remaining time with you and all the others he loves.
So yes, it’s unfair for anyone to keep news of a bad prognosis from a rational adult. You owe your brother the truth. If it is easier to talk to him with another relative around, by all means do so. And please make sure someone accompanies your brother on his next visit to the oncologist. He will likely be rattled, and will need someone there to ask the very tough questions.
Thank you for writing
Judy
