Dear Judy,
My son is almost three. His father, from whom I was separated, died just 2 days ago after a construction site accident left him brain dead. He was in the ICU on life support for a few days, so I’ve had time to think, and while I can’t pretend to be devastated, I am going to the funeral.
My mother-in-law believes our young son should also be at the funeral. She believes a lot of things (like, I-am-a-bitch and I-am-responsible-for-the-break-up) very strongly. But maybe she’s right about this point. I can’t decide whether or not he should go, though. Our son is very, very sensitive, easily hurt. And also, his father never visited him after the separation.
So what do you think I should do?
Beth
Dear Beth,
I am generally a big believer in allowing children to attend funerals. Funerals are important events, a tribute to what was . They are as much a part of life as….well… death.
But a child who is still a toddler is another matter. And a child you describe as “sensitive” and “easily hurt” – meaning, I suppose, he is vulnerable and often frightened, may not be ready for the tears and the grief that older children (meaning kids 6 and up) can understand and also share in.
So in this instance, if you have a good baby sitter, I would leave the little boy at home. But be truthful with him. You must tell him, obviously, that his father died. For one thing it would provide an acceptable reason why your ex never visits — one more comprehensible to a little boy than a father’s patent neglect.
Thank you for writing
Judy
I bet Beth thinks that if she cooperates with the mother-in-law, things between them might improve (HAH!). Anyone who thinks a three year old should go to a funeral is completely nuts, so there’s no point in trying to appease her.
The point of telling a three year old who never sees his father that the man is dead is what, precisely? if beth is a good mother and close to her kid, why scare the toddler?.