Dear Judy,
How do I tell my teenage daughter that her father is dying of cancer?
I just found out on January 4th of this year that her father has stomach cancer and that it’s progressed. My daughter’s Dad has been in her life and she always loved him.
As she’s gotten older, she’s seen his bad ways for herself, and I’ve listened to her frustrations and criticisms — sometimes commenting on what she’s observed and sometimes not.
But whatever her father’s faults, he’s played some type of father-ish role in her life consistenly. The news of the illness is sudden, and after crying, I find myself very afraid to tell my daughter about it.
I’ve decided to get a few journals so I can write down some of the special times her father and I have shared. Is this a good idea or not? He never liked pictures, so I have only one — taken at her 8th grade graduation. I shall put that in the journal too.
I think I just want to get my thoughts in writing so I can get it together for my daughter. What do you think?
Angela
Dear Angela,
I am so very sorry about your daughter’s father. Stomach cancer is often diagnosed late because in its early stages it’s either asymptomatic or its indications — indigestion or loss of appetite — are assumed to be minor issues.
Unfortunately when the disease has progressed, the patient is likely to live no more than 6 months.
So this means you need to write down your thoughts quickly in the journal you propose getting. I don’t mean to rush you. I think writing your thoughts is a brilliant idea because it allows you to organize and articulate your emotions and recollections of a man who — if I read you correctly — is still important to you as well as your daughter.
In a nutshell, you must talk to your daughter within the next few days. You must tell her father is unlikely to recover. You should probably add it’s essential to spend a lot of time with him these days.
You do not have to go into all his drawbacks. This is not the time. But you can mention in general term, he’s like all of us. Imperfect, yes. But lovable.
Teenagers are old enough to understand what death, loss and injustice involve. They hate it when adults keep the truth from them.
And personally, I think they’re right.
Thank you for writing
Judy
