Dear Judy,
My wife died two months ago. She had melanoma, but by the time it was caught the cancer had spread, then it recurred — 3 times — and she was in great pain for part of the time. All our friends knew this, and it was awful. For her it was worst of all naturally, but I really suffered along with her.
Judy, what can I do about people, many of them friends or acquaintances, who still come up to me and say something along the lines of, “You must be so relieved her suffering is over”? Or even weirder: ”You must be happy she’s in a better place”?
I don’t happen to believe in a “better place.” Or a “worse place.” My wife was in the worst place imaginable. And I am not relieved. And I am not happy. And I think these sentiments of so-called sympathy are insulting and stupid.
What should I say back to them?
Tony in Miami
Dear Tony,
People are awkward, aren’t they? Especially where death or suffering before death is concerned. Maybe because they know they’re not exactly immune from either.
So yes, they say stupid things. Or perhaps I should say, some of what they say may sound thoughtless, especially to a grieving spouse. But the hurt isn’t intentional, and I think it’s important to remember that.
What should you say to those who suggest, foolishly, that you might be relieved these days. Simply this: “I miss her terribly.”
It’s true. And it will, I promise, end that line of talk.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
I agree with Judy. People are trying their best. Probably anything they say will seem inappropriate to a few people at such a tough time. Thanking them for their interest or their support might be the smart thing to do! At least they’re not ignoring you.
Hey, in my opinion people who talk about ‘better places” are trying to exploit your pain and vulnerability — they’re trying in other words to introduce religion into the lives of intelligent non-believers. Don’t let them get away with it. Tell them that it must be a comfort for them to believe in all sorts of invisible things, but you tend to prefer the stuff you can see, touch and hear. If you don’t speak up they’ll continue to try to impose their agenda on you! Forever, Trust me, I’ve been there…