Dear Judy,
My sister passed away last year. She had diabetes, she was obese, and her heart gave out.
She also had a husband and two kids. The problem is the husband, my brother-in-law.
We are a big extended family, and none of us much like him, or liked him ever. He is boorish and loud, he was unfaithful to my sister (and she knew!), he was a cheapskate who never gave her little presents on her birthday or anniversary. He was absent, sometimes on weekends and holidays, without explanation. You can figure the whole thing out. I don’t believe his own children like him much. There have been little asides to the rest of us about his behavior….
My question is: all of us in the family like getting together on holidays and birthdays, etc. We love having my sister’s kids over too. But do we have to invite the horrible brother-in-law?
Sheila
Dear Sheila,
You never mention how old your sister’s kids now are. If they are, for instance, over 19 or 20, then I’d say — no problem. Invite the grown kids without a second’s thought about their father. If the grown kids ask why their father wasn’t invited, you might explain there were space considerations, the table was too small, something like that.
But if the kids are much younger, then of course the father, no matter how unpleasant, must be invited. Don’t sweat it, though. Once the nieces or nephews are old enough to drive at night, they’re also old enough to arrive parentless.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Thee man’s wife had diabetes and yet she never controlled her weight, meaning she didn’t care much about being there for her kids. No surprise he cheated. Think he’s relieved at the outcome?
Don’t you have any symapathy? The poor man lived for years with a sick wife, and now is a widower coping with two children. I”ll bet if Sheila had a neighbor with that kind of life story, she would invite him over and act sympathetic. Shouldn’t sge extend the same warmth to the father of her flesh and blood?
Judy, Sheila doesnt say what the family did during the last round of holidays. If they invited him, it will be difficult to stop doing so in the future, in my opinion.
Given the background, I’d say the husband probably knows howthe family feels about him. Given he had and has an active social life before and after his life with his wife, he probably isn’t interested in coming to family gatherings anyway. So if the kids are in their teens or younger, I say invite him.