Dear Judy,
My 37-year-old son says I should listen to you, which is why I’m writing. He is our only son and he is gay. For the last decade he’s been living with the man he calls his “partner.” This partner is 49, and fooled around a lot with a lot of men, mostly before he met our son.
Were we happy about the arrangement? No. My husband’s cousin is a conservative congressman — I won’t name the state for pretty obvious reasons. We are respected in our church, which isn’t big on gay marriage.
Now my son’s “partner” is dying. He’s had HIV/AIDS for years and years, had it even when my son met him, and there are some opportunistic illnesses that have set in and are killing him. Maybe he has a few months to live, maybe more. My son wants his friend buried in our family vault, where my grandparents and great-grandparents lie. He’s not taking ‘No’ for an answer either.
I say, family is family. If anyone in our family knew some other person had invaded their space, especially the” partner,” they’d pitch a fit.
Partners belong in their own graves — someplace else. Who is right?
Annette
Dear Annette,
I don’t know who is right. But I do know what’s smart. And what I’d do in your place.
I’d do exactly as your son suggests. Bury his longtime friend in the family vault. This isn’t a democracy. You don’t have to have a family referendum on who’s to be buried there next. Just do it.
And if anyone in the family, including the conservative congressman, objects, they have the perfect right to find themselves, when the time approaches, another piece of costly graveyard real estate. And they can pay for it too.
And by the way: the word partner? Don’t put it in quotes any more. Not if you want to maintain a wonderful relationship with your own son. He’s suffering enough right now — and so is his partner.
Thank you for writing
Judy
This woman’s attitude towards her son is astonishingly hostile.
She writes, “my son wants ‘his friend’ buried…” and puts “partner” in scare quotes.
Day in and day out, gay people cope with having their relationships marginalized by coworkers, acquaintances, and politicians. To suffer it from their own family members is just too much.
She should be happy he still wants to be buried with her at all.
She writes “family is family.” It sounds to me like her son is being better “family” to his partner than she is being to her son.
The son is 37. He will find someone new. Who will really, really want to be in the same vault. Liberal softies can mock people like me all they want, but in addition to family values, legally binding marriages between men and women prevent many problems that always arise when people do as they want with whom they want, regardless of all the values they trample on the way..
Subjecting a son’s desires to the will and possible disapproval of some idiot congressman who is a distant relative? I don’t think so!
If Annette’s son is reading this, I suggest he make burial arrangements for his partner and himself far away from the dumb family vault. Those guys should go to their final rest where they are wanted. Let his parents maintain the dignity and the status of their dry bones as they lose the love of their son.