Dear Judy,
I read your online column pretty regularly, and you’ve never dealt with this issue before. Maybe I’m the only one being plagued this way. I just don’t know.
My boyfriend of four years died of leukemia. I was his caregiver at the end. I can’t help it that he died, but you wouldn’t know it from the way certain people are acting. “Why didn’t you make him try an enzyme treatment?” someone asked the other day. Another reproached me because I hadn’t forced him into a bone marrow transplant.
I could go on and on. In the first place, my boyfriend was a realist. He looked at life and death in pretty tough and unsentimental ways, and he wasn’t going to do everything and anything to keep on going. That was his decision.
In the second place — I really don’t want to hear other people’s miracle cures right now. I’m in a bad place. How can I get them to shut up?
Laurie
Dear Laurie,
I am really sorry about the intrusive people in your life. I am certain it’s very painful, and their suggestion are of course completely gratuitous — not to mention a little late.
Normally I’m not in favor of being rude. In your case, however, I think I’ll make an exception.
If anyone continues to mention possible “cures” that they now think would have extended your boyfriend’s life (and I hope by now they’ve quit expressing unsolicited and useless medical opinions) — you have my full permission to phrase your objections baldly and clearly: “Your advice would have been a lot more valuable if it had been given in a more timely manner.”
I’m sure that will put an end to unsolicited advice from people no longer in a position to help.
Thank you for writing
Judy
“Thank you for your concern” repeated again and again will get them off your back without offending anyone. Or you might try: “I appreciate that you care” or “Your interest warms my heart.”
If none of that works, go for “We have full confidence in the doctor.” Then go mute.