Dear Judy,
I recently wrote a sympathy note and may have inadvertently offended the widow. I did mention that maybe the husband’s death was “a blessing in disguise” (he was in great pain before the end, with prostate cancer).
Was that wrong??
I felt the widow was very chilly to me when we met by chance yesterday – though I may be wrong, and maybe mistook her reserve or grief for chilliness. Should I say something to clear the air? It’s been a few months now since I wrote that sympathy note, but it is still bothering me.
A friend said to forget it… that the widow has more on her mind than my feelings. What do you think?
Becky
Dear Becky,
Ummmmm….
I hardly know what to say (for once..). Let’s put it this way: when you tell someone, be it in a sympathy note or in a singing telegram, that the death of a beloved husband was “a blessing,” you are likely to get frostbite the next time you two meet.
In other words: yes, you goofed. That’s why the memory of that note is still “bothering” you, as you put it.
Now the big issue: what to do next. Well I’d say let it ride for now. Don’t phone or write yet again with explanations. But the next time you encounter this widow, you might say something to the effect of: “You know I phrased my sympathy note to you very awkwardly. And I’m sorry about that. Your husband was a wonderful man and you must miss him terribly.”
That last sentence, by the way: that’s the only one you include in any future sympathy notes to anyone. Anything else — any other sentiment — you keep to yourself. Forever.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Judy is only 50 percent right. Yes, Becky screwed up. But tell her to wait until she next encounters the widow to get things straight? I don’t think so… The widow needs to get Becky’s apology right away, so she can have a moment to mull it over and maybe forgive her. Chance encounters are not good occasions in which to grovel. Also, they may never come, or come too late.
Oh please! Anyone who shreds a good relationship to pieces because of one awkward phrase in a sympathy note is looking for trouble. Trust me, Becky is lots better off without this fussy old hag in her life.
Sometimes a death IS a blessing in disguise, certainly for the deceased. Maybe also for the family. So why can’t people be honest about it?
Hey Judy, the comments from Aretha and Selena are totally insensitive, in my opinion. Those two have obviously never suffered the loss of a loved one or if they have, I think they’ve forgotten how it feels. I am totally surprised that you give them a platform.