Dear Judy,
Our father is dying, and it’s getting difficult to see him. The problem? The woman he married after our mother died.
She is two decades younger than him, so I’m sure you get the picture. No, we didn’t approve and I guess it showed. He married this younger woman three months after our mother died — that was four years ago. My two older brothers and I are all adults and we know maybe there was stuff going on between the two of them while our mother was still alive. But to tell the truth, we were all a little shocked by the hasty marriage, and one of my brothers didn’t even go to the wedding. I was tempted to boycott, but for the sake of the family unity I showed up.
Well I might as well have stayed at home. Now that our father is dying — he has lung cancer — his wife barely speaks to us. My two brothers flew 5 hours to visit our father, and she allowed them 10 minutes with him. She said he was too tired to talk. The last time I visited, she told me to keep it brief, turned on her heel, and walked off.
We’re all heartbroken. We don’t want to make a scene, with our father so sick. But we do want to spend more than 10 minutes with him. What do we do?
Renee
Dear Renee,
In all of this narrative there was one person whose wishes you never reflected: your father’s.
I realize he must now be pretty weak, but even so he can probably reveal in some fashion how he feels about your visits. And my guess is, yes he welcomes them. And no, he doesn’t want a lot of bedside fussing.
About the new wife there isn’t much you can do. But during your visits, you can do something about your attitude. Swallow pride and swallow hard. And smile, tough as it may be, at your stepmother.
Stay with your father as long as you can. If his wife tries to shoo you out the door, ask politely if you might return the next morning.
I know this may not sound like a master plan. Or even an appealing plan. It’s isn’t. But there also isn’t a lot of time, and the little that’s left is all you’ve got.
Thank you for writing
Judy
