Dear Judy,
My husband died just 3 weeks ago of thrombosis. It was sudden, unexpected, and awful.
But almost as bad is what I have to put up with now that he’s gone: practically every partner in his law firm has told me in one way or another that his death was “merciful” because it was quick. And he didn’t, they always add, “have to suffer.”
I just am so tired of all this crazy talk. Maybe — for the person who’s dying — it’s better to go quickly, but for me, the survivor, it was pure hell. The life we had together is totally over. I feel like I have died a “quick” death as well, only it isn’t merciful. Now that he’s gone, I have to suffer.
What can I do to get people to stop talking about how fabulous it was the way my husband died?
Renee
Dear Renee,
I think I could devote an entire site, every day of the year, to complaints from surviving spouses or lovers about well-meant condolences. That’s the problem — the adjective. People really do mean well.
What I’m asking you to understand (and I realize right now isn’t a good time to understand much of anything) is that the sympathy is genuine, even if the phrasing isn’t felicitous. So concentrate less on the words than on the thoughts behind those words.
What friends and acquaintances are saying, obviously, is that they just don’t know what to say. No one ever really does after someone dies. Quite often, even when we’re not dealing with a subject as touchy as death, what comes out of a friend’s mouth is idiotic. People will tell a dumped wife, she’s “better off” without her husband. Even though as we all know she’s very likely on the verge of bankruptcy.
So if someone tells you once again that the death was “merciful,” just simply look suitably vague. Nod your head, thank the person for her concern. And forgive.
I think a therapist might help a lot right now. You sound as though you feel life is over. And it isn’t. Not for you.
Thank you for writing
Judy
if your husband had suffered for weeks, months and years, would that have been better for him? or for that matter, for you and for other family members? there is a reason people pray for quick deaths. they do not want to suffer and to impose suffering on loved ones. it was indeed merciful.
When people have nothing to say, they should simply shut up.