Dear Judy,
A close cousin has pancreatic cancer, but she’s in a state of total denial about what this means — ie. a fairly quick death. Also, she keeps talking about what she’s going to do when she gets well: a trip to Greece was mentioned, for instance. She’s also said she might want to get back with an old boyfriend. I had trouble to keep my jaw from dropping.
I also know she has not put her financial affairs in order. There is no Advance Medical Directive. And then there’s her daughter who lives in Tampa (about 500 miles away from us) from whom she’s estranged. I gather the daughter doesn’t know how sick her mother is, although she knows she has cancer.
Judy, I know, from reading your past advice online, that usually you tell us well-meaning relatives to butt out and allow the reality-deniers to deny til they die. But maybe this situation is different? Don’t I I have an ethical responsibility toward my cousin? Shouldn’t I help her deal with the truth and sort out her unfinished business?
Lili
Dear Lili,
The answer is: yes and no. Yes, this situation is somewhat different, and you should intrude. But no, you don’t have to hammer home reality to a person who certainly knows the truth but is purposefully avoiding its implications.
Here’s what to do. You absolutely have to nudge your cousin to get her financial affairs sorted out, and make sure she writes her Advance Medical Directive. That way her daughter won’t be stuck guessing what end-of-life decisions she wants carried out. Fortunately, these are both tasks performed by the healthy.
In fact, in your place I would emphasize this point because it’s likely to get results. It is vital to make financial and end-of-life plans while we are well enough to do so. That kind of argument might spur her on.
As for the estranged daughter: if you are on good terms with her, by all means give her a call, and mention that there is a lot of information on pancreatic cancer online. That might provoke a reconciliation while there is still time.
And thank you for writing
Judy
