Dear Judy,
I just learned a really good friend who lives in Baltimore has melanoma. She is just 41; we’ve known each other since freshman year of high school, and we keep in regular touch because we’re both single, and happily so.
Actually though, it was her ex-husband who contacted me at my email address about my good friend’s illness and the fact that it had metastasized (caught very late). I was surprised my friend said nothing.
I’ve been calling her (and her ex and her father) for updates. I’ve been writing emails. But I get very little response. I want to visit, but so far all suggestions on that score have either met with no reply or a flat-out NO. No explanation.
Judy, what do I do now?
Tess
Dear Tess,
I’m so very sorry about your friend’s melanoma. She is going through a terrible time now, may never see a better one, and I’m going to ask you to keep that above all in mind as I deal with the rest of your email.
First: do not take your friend’s silence personally. As the brilliant hospice nurse Jeanne Frye mentioned when another reader wrote in with a similar issue (and a similar case of wounded feelings), the silence has nothing to do with her affection for you. Your longtime friend is in another area right now — literally between 2 worlds. She is not necessarily thinking about living right now.
Or if she is, she is thinking about all sorts of issues you don’t have at the moment: how to deal with the very bad disease, whether to fight it all the way with chemo — or not. Monumental worries, in other words, with no easy solution.
So my advice: stand by. Write her loving letters from time to time. Send her books you think she might like, or DVDs. Tell her family, including her ex-husband who obviously is still in touch with her, that you are available for errands, companionship — whatever your friend requires.
But don’t expect long phone calls from her, or anyone. And if, by chance, she makes contact with you again, welcome the opportunity — and do something useful and loving for her.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Tess should pretend to have other stuff to do in Baltimore. I think her friend doesn’t want to trouble her, but probably will be happy to see her if she’s in town.
Spot on, Judy! Sometimes we become so intent on giving, we forget the person who is supposed to receive.
Thanks Judy, and your message is on target. It takes a great amount of energy, both physically and emotionally when engaged in a disease this devastating. It is hard for family and friends to not personalize this, but it really is not about us (the living). Again, I try to reinforce how hard it would be to say goodbye to someone you know you will never see again. How draining would that be?
Tess may be able to send a letter ( I prefer handwritten as it is more personal) that states something along these lines:
1. I love you
2. I am thinking of you daily and sending you prayers of peace and comfort.
3. I am here for you and can be there with you if you or your family needs me
4. I will be ok, I miss you now and will miss you later, but I will be ok.
5. I will always remember you
6. I love you
That’s about all anyone can do.
Meghan has it right. It Tess is so troubled by her friend’s silence, the way to determine how much is intentional, is by going to Baltimore, for whatever reason, and paying a visit.