Dear Judy
I work in a fairly small office. One of our gals just had a baby, she’s thrilled. Another just had a very late-term miscarriage — in fact labor had to be induced, so the worst of it was the mother knew she would be “giving birth” to a stilborn baby.
Our issue here at the office is awful. We have a custom of collecting money for baby presents. Now we just don’t know what to do because it’s like rubbing salt in the wound of our office friend who just lost her baby.
Do we even ask this friend who’s suffered a lot to contribute to the gift for the other baby? It’s a crib, so we need more than one or 2 donors. If we do ask her for money, we feel horrible. If we don’t it’s like we’re snubbing her, am I right?
We read your online column (we’re a medical group…) and we know you’re pretty good at this, Judy.
Help!
Terry
Dear Terry,
Why this compulsion to bludgeon co-workers into forking out their hard-earned money for gifts they don’t necessarily want to give? Especially in this lousy economy?
I know, I know. Your intentions are noble. It’s a tradition. But in my opinion, a lousy tradition, because it can embarrass those who may be in financial straits but don’t want to admit it openly.
And it has about a million other drawbacks as well, as you’ve just noticed.
So here’s an idea that will prevent your office staff from unintentionally wounding one unhappy woman, while soothing the the potentially ruffled feathers of the proud new mother.
Why not declare a formal end to all office mandated gift-giving? You could even write up a brief explanation on office stationery to give the new statement some clout. Attribute the change in custom to the bad economy, and suggest that perhaps when things improve and money loosens up, you might– at some future unspecified date — go back to your old ways.
Then don’t. Ever. You can see for yourself the messes it gets you into.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Judy, I agree that this communal gift giving should stop, for lots of reasons. But there is a limit to how much Terry and her friends can protect their friend. In or out of the office, she will encounter constant reminders that people are having healthy babies. Hopefully, one day she will have her own. But if not, she will have to face up to it.
Make the collection a double, a gift for the new mom and something like a day at the spa for the sad woman.
Oh, like the woman who lost her baby won’t connect the new procedure with her tragedy? Like she will not make her feel like the elephant in the room? Please!!
Judy’s suggestion is a good one under the circumstances. I wonder if she has suggestions on what happens next. Like when the mother comes to the office with stories about the new baby? Or pictures? Every new tooth has the potential to derail the entire office dynamic. Is management addressing if these two women will ever work together? And what will happen to the office atmosphere and to the productivity?