Dear Judy,
Our mother is 80 and a little addled. Our sister, Nina, just died. Frankly, she had lung cancer, and everyone knew it but our mother. We just never had the heart to tell her, and judging from her recent behavior, maybe she isn’t “all there,” so we were right. I think.
Every once in a while she’d ask about Nina. My brothers and I would say things like, “Nina’s on a trip.” Or “Nina’s moved out of state.” This went on for about 10 months. As I say, our mother seems to be a little fuzzy these days.
But now that Nina’s dead, we don’t know what to do or say. Should we own up? Should we say Nina died suddenly? Invent a heart attack or a stroke? (We’re afraid this would kill our Mom, literally).
Or should Nina just kind of disappear all the time, like she did before? Which seems kind of awful too. None of us knows what to do now.
Do you?
Francine
Dear Francine,
You all seem to have gotten yourself in quite a bind. Yours is a family that isn’t big on clarity, is it? But I can also see why, although all you give me is clues.
I’m pretty sure that when you say your mother’s mind is “fuzzy,” or that she seems “addled,” you’re implying a lot more than you let on. Most alert parents wouldn’t calmly accept the sudden disappearance of a daughter — or allow the excuse “She’s on a trip” to account for a 10-month absence.
As for whether or not now is the time for bald truth-telling, only you and your brothers can answer that. My sense is the phrase you used — namely the truth would “kill” your elderly mother — might be correct. Perhaps that harsh fact, in addtion to her likely case of dementia, is what accounted for your months of reluctance to tell the truth.
So on the whole I’d agree. If you can manage it, then don’t reveal now what you kept from her. You don’t want to have to deal with the consequences — or the guilt.
Thank you for writing
Judy
If francine’s mother is very forgetful, even if they told her the truth she would in all likelihood forget it within hours or days so they would have to repeat it again and again. Which would depress her again and again. So, why bother?