Dear Judy,
I have a good friend who lives in Ohio who is dying of pancreatic cancer. No pain, or not much, which I gather is pretty much what it’s like with the disease. But it’s also incurable, as I’m sure you know.
My problem is I live over a thousand miles away. I can’t travel back and forth: in these bad economic times, I have to really concentrate on my business which isn’t doing that great, and of course on my family. I have three teenagers and a wife who recently lost her job.
What can I do for my friend from this distance? I mean besides call, which I do? We’ve known each other since we roomed together in college, we were frat brothers, and I will miss him a lot. In fact, I do already.
Raymond
Dear Raymond,
Here’s what I always suggest to people in your position: and there are many who write in with similar questions. If you live far away from someone who’s terminally ill, there are many ways to help that person out — not medically of course, but in other ways.
If you happen to know which films your friend most enjoys, why not send him a few CDs each month? Or give him his own subscription to a video rental service: he can make selections online.
If he loves books or certain foods, you can have these shipped to his home as well. In other words, there’s almost nothing these days that you can’t provide for someone you care about — even from a great distance.
And above all do what you already have been doing: call him. You can take your cues from him. If he wants to talk about his illness, or his dying, then let him. If he’d prefer to concentrate on other areas of his life, his kids or sports for instance, then go along with that.
But don’t try to direct conversations. The terminally ill — and this is probably the only triumph they’re allowed — get to do that. The rest of us get to go along.
Thank you for writing
Judy
