Dear Judy,
I need advice and so I’m turning to you. I have a friend who’s dealing with terminal prostate cancer whom I’ve known for 10 years. He’s been updating me on his treatment which seemed manageable until he sent me an e-mail 2 months ago saying it had spread everywhere.
I’m meeting him for dinner in a week. How do I deal with this? Tell him the truth — which is I’m really upset? Act fine? Listen? How do I comfort him?
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia,
I always let the person who’s really sick take the lead. Since your friend has been updating you on his illness and also told you the very bad news, he won’t be surprised if you raise the subject. He may even be relieved.
Start by telling him how much you like him and always have. And how you know he’s going through a really grueling period, and you want to know what you can do for him and his family.
Then offer concrete suggestions: Does he need you to run interference with doctors? Do some research on medications he might want to take? Find out the names of doctors he might prefer to consult? Babysit, if he has young children?
Whatever you think you might be good at doing, suggest.
Do NOT tell him awful you feel about his illness. This is about him, not you or your feelings. You are there to help him if he wants help. And if you sense that he’s weary of talking about either prostate cancer or his fears, then drop the subject immediately. Ask about something else.
In other words, come prepared. And also come with your sense of what he wants sharply honed.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Not even one single “I am so sorry”?
Let him control the conversation. He’ll know what’s best for him.