Dear Judy,
I know you receive a lot of emails from terminally sick people asking when they should reveal the truth to relatives or friends. I have a special case.
My ex-husband and I have been very friendly for the last 4 years. (It wasn’t always that way — he left me for another lawyer in his firm, and then divorced her pretty soon after. Then we started speaking again). We have no kids, but we do have a very warm relationship, and yes, sometimes he sleeps over, and there have been talks about reuniting. Mainly talks from him. I don’t know if I’m ok with that.
Recently I learned that my breast cancer, which all my doctors thought was long gone from my system, after two mastectomies and chemo, has metastacized. It’s a shock. I don’t know the future obviously, but maybe it’s not so good.
My question: do I tell my ex? And what, if anything, do I tell him? Part of me is afraid (will he leave me when he learns the truth as he left me before?). Many of my good friends know, so maybe there’s no need to discuss it with him because he’ll learn the truth from them.
What do you think?
Rosa
Dear Rosa,
Think of it this way : What is there to be afraid of? You’ve received already some very bad news. You’ve experienced the defection of a man you loved.
Telling him the truth about your recurrent cancer isn’t simply a necessity, since he’ll learn it anyway. It’s a test. I agree it’s a test with uncertain results, but it can’t be anything worse than what you’ve already learned from your doctors.
And by the way — my guess? It’s a test your ex will pass. Let him have a go at it. I don’t think a cancer recurrence will scare him away.
You both need a second chance.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Rosa should treat her ex as she would any current boyfriend, and ignore the baggage. It seems to me like they are both on a new page. For both their sakes, she should keep it that way.
It’s just impossible to answer Rosa’s question without knowing if he was around during the previous medical procedures and how he acted back then.
Here I go again: The universe is providing Rosa’s ex with a golden chance to remedy what he wronged. And as for Rosa: she at last has been given a unique opportunity to play a role in creating good on the heels of evil, she should embrace it and allow him to rise to his spiritual potential.
The ex-husband is talking about reuniting. If this is true then Rosa needs to share with him her medical situation, but without making it the center of their current friendship. Rosa doesn’t sound as though she wants to renew the solid, permanent relationship she used to have. But obviously she enjoys the company of her ex. He sounds like he misses her as well (been there myself…). HOWEVER missing her is not the same as caring for her. I haven’t read it, but maybe ELizabeth Edwards’ book would be something for Rosa to read.
Candee, you bring up a good point!!