Dear Judy,
My longtime companion died of a series of strokes at 54. He was a brilliant man, and together with a partner, started a very successful gardening supply business here in California — in fact I think it was his constant drive, late hours, and obsession with the work that ended up killing him.
His partner, with whom we were very friendly, now runs it — and to hear him talk, it’s like he started the whole thing single-handed. NO reference to my longtime companion passes his lips these days. It’s all him. He started it with HIS cash and HIS ideas and HIS ambition, etc. His wife is the same. My dearest friend in the world has evaporated in their eyes, and that’s that.
Sometimes I am invited to their house for parties, so I know the drill only too well. Other times other friends tell me what was (not) said.
How can I change this? Should I say something? Chastise them at their own parties? That’s not how I was raised, but I’m furious.
Katherine
Dear Katherine,
Let me get this straight: you’re furious (maybe rightly so) that your late companion is never given his due by his partner — yet you go to that partner’s house and enjoy his dinner parties? And say nothing when his name is omitted from any discussion of the business?
Let’s put it this way. If I were in your shoes, I too would naturally feel protective of my late friend’s ingenuity and hard work. There’s no need to be rude about the matter. The next time you’re at a dinner party and the subject of the gardening supply business comes up, you certainly might mention how much your late companion loved devoting all his days and nights to making it the success it now is.
I have a feeling no one present will contradict you.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Am i missing something? Why are you still mixing with these people? They may have been good as business partners but leave much to be desire as friends. Its not your job to educate them, but rather to work on your own emotional recovery. Get yourself a life and forget about them.
It is a well known fact in those circles which understand the forces of the Universe, that people who take undeserved credit will lose any credit which they have rightly earned. When it happens, they will not know why, but Katherine will know that cosmic justice has been done.
Hey, here’s a thought. On the anniversary of his death, Katherine should ask to have a memorial plaque to her companion installed in the main office. I doubt his partner will be gutsy enough to refuse. That will be a permanent reminder of his role in the business.
My guess: Katherine is overly sensitive and misinterpreting everything. Just maybe the partner avoids mentioning her dead companion so as not to bring up painful memories, including his onetime tendency to work himself into an early grave. Maybe she listens selectively. I would suggest that before reaching extreme conclusions, she should invite the couple to dinner (rather than constantly being on the receiving end) and tell them how she feels. Of course she may be right — they might simply want to grab all the credit for success for themselves — but what does she lose by raising the subject?
Life is for the living, and if this is how his partner and wife remember the past, let it be. Maybe one reason they act this way is that they think this promotes HIS reputation.
I guess if you feel the need to socialize wtih this group, then you may need to accept they are self centered, uncaring folks. Know in your heart that your companion did his share and then some. I will bet that those who know him well, know better, just as you do.