Dear Judy,
Years ago, my then-fiancee had a bout with breast cancer, and we both thought she beat it, as did her doctor who was very optimistic. We married, had a son, who is now seven.
And as I guess you figured out by now, the cancer returned, and it’s metastasized, and it’s very aggressive. My wife’s been given around eight months.
Our son, Andrew, has asked a few questions of course, and we’ve always said things like, “Mom’s sick, but she’ll get better.” Well, now that we know that she won’t get better, what do we say?
Do we tell Andrew his mother’s dying? I don’t know if I can even get the words out of my mouth without crying. And how will that make our son feel? Or do we wait until my wife, his mother, actually dies? In which case perhaps he’ll never forgive us for having hidden the truth from him. I just don’t know what to do.
Ken in Atlanta
Dear Ken,
I think, given the time frame of your wife’s prognosis, that it might be wise for both you and your wife to sit down and talk with your son in a month or two.
The language you use to explain death will have to be very careful but frank. Do not use euphemisms. I say this, because some years back when one of my closest friends was dying, she and her husband told her two young children, “Mommy won’t be around in a few months.”
And the reply from the kids, then 7 and 6, was a very plaintive, “Can’t you even come see us on weekends?”
In other words, they thought she was talking about divorce. So give yourself and the child a lot of time to explain matters. And wait for questions. In fact you might invite questions, and say that you will answer anything the boy has on his mind either then or later.
If the tears come, let them.
Thank you for writing
Judy
