Dear Judy,
I know you’re going to think this is a dumb question. We’re a group of four friends, and one of us lost her husband just 2 months ago. She has 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. Her husband was a house-husband so until just recently life was pretty easy on her, Frankly we all envied her.
Her husband used to take out the garbage, feed the two dogs, prepare breakfasts — and dinners — for the whole family, shopped, cleaned up. He even on one occasion repaired the roof! (well some tiles had slipped…but still. I thought it was pretty amazing).
Now all that’s gone of course. We helped with the funeral arrangements, and we helped her write thank you notes to those who sent condolence notes or flowers. But we’re pretty much puzzling what to do now.
Do we call a lot? A little? Our friend works for a major law firm in town, so she’s often away from the house, and we don’t want to bother her.
On the other hand, she might need us, but not want to beg. Obviously we can’t patch roofs! But do you think she needs other help? Maybe she wants to talk? Or mourn? Can you suggest a course of action?
Anne
Dear Anne,
I don’t think the question is dumb. It is difficult with certain people to know exactly how far you should go in your efforts to help someone unusually competent, as your friend seems to be.
You mention she has 3 kids who used to be cared for by her late husband. Why not offer — especially if one of you has kids yourself — a weekend sleepover for one or more of those kids? Or bring over a dinner or two for the family? Or — yes — just call one Saturday and ask your friend if she’d like to join you in a movie or an afternoon concert?
You’ll be able to tell by her reaction just how much she needs from her support group. My guess, given how recent the death of her husband, is that she’ll need quite a lot. And that she’ll be very grateful for it.
Thank you for writing.
Judy
You probably don’t want to phone too often. She needs as much quality time with her kids as possible, especially since she’s working. Send her a text message every few days,with a little bright news. Say stuff like you’re sitting in a coffee shop she knows and likes and that you’re thinking of her. When she’s up to it, she’ll get in touch.
I like the idea of a perfect husband — this is one problem I’m not going to email my wife!! Seriously though, if everyone in this “picture” is so close and loving, you’d think that supposedly good friends would know what to do for one another if there’s a death. Without needing to write in to some advice column online. Am I right or what?
Judy’s advice is fine, as far as it goes… But why did she even need to give it? This woman is your friend and has been for a long time. The three of you should drop her a note, asking her just what you asked Judy. If she is as smart as she sounds, she’ll be able to define her needs.