Dear Judy,
As though my father’s advanced dementia weren’t enough, now he’s just been diagnosed with multiple myeloma — and the oncologists are telling us that dealing with it in some half-assed way (there is no cure) involves chemo with really tough drugs.
I personally think there’s no point putting my father through this ordeal. The problem is: my mother. She thinks we should do whatever it takes to keep him alive for however long and in whatever condition. I hate to say this, Judy, but I think she’s become accustomed to his illness. It’s like it’s become her main activity, it’s what keeps her going. And she’s terrified of having to face life alone. Especially because she never had any outside interests.
In other words, my best guess is she’s thinking not of my father but of herself. But I can’t say this to her, can I? Help!
Fran in Washington DC
Dear Fran,
No, you can’t say that to your mother. But you can look through your father’s documents. Does he have an Advance Medical Directive (aka a Living Will?). If so, who did he name to be the decision-maker on health issues in the event of his incapacitation?
If it’s you, then your thoughts on the destiny of your father’s care are the ones that count (by the way, in this instance, whatever the decision, be sure your father is under the care of a doctor who knows a lot about pain meds; better still, put your father under hospice care. Hospice people usually know a lot about controlling pain).
If your mother is designated as the decision-maker, then you have a lot of talking to do. And you might try to engage the help of a smart oncologist who can tell her what multiple myeloma may entail: weakened bones especially in the back and ribs, spontaneous fractures, and as mentioned, spasm-like pain.
Also to be discussed: the side effects of the prescribed chemo, which often includes Thalidomide and Dexamethasone.
When your mother gleans all this information, not from you, but from an unemotional professional outside the family who can deliver the unadorned facts without editorializing, she might change her mind about your father’s treatment.
Oh — and try taking your mother to the theater or museums every so often. Or to dinner with friends. It might open her up to acquiring the “outside interests” you say she lacks.
Thank you for writing
Judy
