Dear Judy,
My 86-year-old grandmother with dementia is living with us every since she fell and fractured her left shoulder. She is healing nicely. However, I feel like a prisoner in my own home. For instance, yesterday I said I wanted to go to church, but she said she was sick and needed looking after.
Then later she said she wanted to go play the slots!
In fact no one in my family seems to care about me or my needs, or my grandmother’s needs. My aunt and uncle, who actually bought my grandmother’s home, have added a wood shop and an in-ground pool to the place. My uncle won’t even talk to his own mother. I feel like I have to clean up their messes.
In fact no one in my family, including my sister, seems to care about me. When my sister was undergoing physical therapy, I helped by picking up her paycheck for her every week. Now that she’s well, she’s as selfish as ever. I never hear from my brothers either, unless they need something.
Please help. Tell me how to handle all these emotional and physical problems.
Ellen
Dear Ellen,
I sense exactly what everyone else in your family feels about you: You don’t know how to say, “NO.” And you don’t yet know how to strike a deal. This is not exactly to your advantage, as you’ve discovered.
I’m not saying you should have refused your grandmother with dementia shelter. And I’m not saying you should kick her out while her shoulder is healing. But it does seem to me that a person whose bossy elderly grandparent is sick one minute and the next spry enough to go out and play the slots, should be able to see through old lady’s designs. Demented or not – your grandmother can be pretty manipulative, am I right?
Next time you want to go to church — or anywhere – tell her you’re going. If you feel she needs watching, call up your other relatives: Yes, the ones you’ve helped out. Lay it out to them frankly and openly. They’re to come over and cover for you, because you are going out!
And if they seem hesitant or come up with excuses (which I bet they will…) tell them the facts of life: You are no longer the sole family caretaker. Next time your sister needs help (you can inform her), she can look elsewhere for someone to pick up her paycheck. The uncle who won’t speak to his own mother? Too bad! You don’t care whether they talk or not, but he better be over to care for his own mother this minute.
And by the way, if your grandmother is 86, she’s under Medicare. See that she gets all the services and help (at bargain-basement prices!) Medicare provides.
Thank you for writing
Judy
It might help to engage a neutral person such as a pastor or a social worker to help the family sort this one out. I am afraid Ellen is not assertive enough to do this on her own.
Ellen….you are the only caretaker because you ALLOW yourself to be.
Make out a calendar, several months out. List the days you are available, list the open dates that help is required. Send it to your relatives and give them a deadline to fill in their spots and get back to you. Or…continue to be the only caretaker.
Timothy is right as well, enlist the support of your pastor or neutral person.
Blessings to you.
I love Jeanne’s idea of filling out a calendar and sending a copy, complete with open dates, to MIA relatives.
Inspired!!!